Just now I had to push past a serious case of imposter syndrome. I just launched my Patreon page, but after writing one book over a year ago, and only having a couple of horrible drafts of new stories, I was wondering who was I to ask anybody for money for this venture? In a previous post, I mentioned my struggle with finding guests for my YouTube videos and the failure to launch another project. Now, after finishing a first draft of the story that I’ve been working on for months now, I got another blow to my confidence.
Finishing The Draft
The draft that I finished was a science fiction story about a detective who has to solve a murder using a new technology that allows you to experience people’s memories. It started off as just an exercise; a way of writing out the beginnings of an idea. I believe I started this a year ago. I put it away to continue working on publishing my first book as well as set up all the other aspects of my author platform. After failing to complete first drafts for two stories earlier in the year, I decided to get to work on this. At one point I was very happy when it all clicked into place. I got a full vision for the story, I got a good idea for an antagonist, and I had the fuel necessary to complete an outline and begin working on the book in earnest. After a while, that fuel began to run out. The idea became stale to me and it became harder and harder to complete the story. Just like my last two unfinished stories, I was dealing with the same thing again. Now, I know that no first draft is perfect, but after feeling so inspired throughout the creation of Pangaea, this level of dread was new to me for first draft. However, I learned that it is important to complete what you start. So, I completed this book – 40,000 words less than I thought it would be and with no power behind the story. Completing this story was bittersweet. I didn’t really know what to do with that feeling, so I went to Twitter. I asked other authors what they do when they complete a first draft and they don’t like it. The response came to let it rest.
Is this a case of writing something to gather dust and never see the light of day? Authors, how often have you done this or felt this way? Should I soldier through edits even if I don’t have the energy for the story anymore? #amWriting
— Jarrod D. King (@JarrodKing) December 29, 2017
Editor here. My advice is to let it sit. Maybe you only need a month, maybe you need a year. Give yourself time to come back with fresh eyes and a renewed zeal for the book. Not every book needs to be released right away. Good luck.
— Anne Nerison (@AnneRasset) December 29, 2017
So, that’s what I’m going to do. It just sucks because I haven’t been able to put out work as quickly as I wanted to. My goal at the beginning of this year was to write two novels. I thought perhaps I could get one published by the end of the year, but all I was able to do was get a draft that I don’t even like. With all these failures, it’s really hard to keep moving ahead. I wonder who am I to create a Patreon page and ask for donations when I only have one book. Well, that short Twitter conversation I had was a great pull back to reality. I’m happy to say that I was able to turn this negative mindset around.
A New View for 2018
One thing I know about myself and I’m not sure is even apparent to the people around me is that I am tenacious. I don’t quit. Just a moment ago I was wondering whether me trying to be an author was even worth it. I was wondering whether this was even who I really was. I was questioning my vision. But I don’t like to sit in self-loathing for too long. I decided to set my Patreon page live and continue to write every single day until I reach my goal of becoming a full-time author. I’m going to keep trying until something works. That’s all I can do.
Looking back on this year, I like to think of it as a year of growth. Growth is painful, but necessary in order to become the person you want to be. I learned about my limitations, setting up achievable goals, prioritizing my time, and pacing myself. Although I wasn’t able to completely achieve everything I set out to do, through my failures I gained the knowledge that will help me achieve reasonable goals in the coming year. It’s all a part of the learning process and I’m ready for my next lesson.
Cheers to more growth in 2018! Happy New Year!